


After and Yet Before

by Pathryn34



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fem!Cas, Grieving Sam Winchester, Other, Platonic Soulmate Sam & Dean, they/them cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:53:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27981831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathryn34/pseuds/Pathryn34
Summary: My Sastiel Headcanon of what happened after Dean died, while Sam grew old.
Relationships: Sam Winchester/Castiel
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	1. The Vessel

**Author's Note:**

> What happens on the werewolf hunt.

Sam should have never gone on this hunt. He wasn’t ready. He was still wracked with grief over losing Dean so recently. His head was not where it should be... 

As the werewolf claws ripping into his side viscerally reminded him. But he had made a promise ... 

“Always keep fighting.”

The memories of Dean dying words hurt more than the gaping wounds ... but he, in agony, reached for the nearby gun that had been knocked out of his hand. He finally got a hold of it aimed, and squeezed the trigger, killing the attacking werewolf. 

He laid back on the dirty wooden floor, taking a deep painful breath. Ribs were definitely broken. Suddenly, another werewolf appeared. He charged so fast, Sam could only reflexively react by bringing his arms up. And the werewolf descended, fangs first. 

And Sam knew. The werewolf was going to bite him. He was going to be turned. He would die a monster while his brother died human. He would never see Dean again, not even in the afterlife. 

He shut his eyes against the excruciating pain this realization brought. He waited to feel the teeth pierce skin. But, instead, there was an intense bright light. 

He opened his eyes to see the burnt out husk of the last werewolf. There was only one being that killed like that. Angels. 

He didn’t recognize the angel in a female vessel before him. Though at first glance, he thought she might be Sister Jo. 

Then his eyes connected to the brilliant blue of the angel’s, and he knew instantly. 

“Cas?”

“I’m sorry, Sam. I would have been with you sooner, but it took longer than expected to find a suitable vessel.”

Despite Sam’s multiple injuries, he quickly got to his feet and hugged Cas tightly, not caring that his broken ribs cried out in protest. This was Cas, whom he never got to say goodbye to. 

But, when Cas hugged firmly back, he couldn’t stop the pained groaned from leaving his lips. 

“You’re hurt,” Cas stated in their matter-of-fact tone. 

They loosened the embrace just enough to see, but to still offer support. They lifted their hand to centimeters above the wound and proceeded to heal. 

Sam had always found Cas healing him somehow erotic. He couldn’t explain it. He had been healed by other angels, Zachariah, Gadreel. Those had always felt .. impersonal. But with Cas .... and Sam’s raw emotions, it was difficult to hide his body’s immediate reaction. 

“There,” Cas stated. Luckily not seeming to notice Sam’s predicament, just like they never did. 

Sam quickly licked his lips and forced his body to behave before replying, “Thanks.”

“Wait,” he continued, “Dean told me that the Empty took you when you saved him. How are you here? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you’re here. But, how?”

“Jack,” came the reply with a proud smile. “He saved me from the Empty by giving it what it wanted most... sleep.” 

“Jack, of course,” Sam responded, with a mixture of pride and sadness. He missed Jack, too. 

Then the reminder of who he missed most resounded in his brain, and nearly took his breath away. 

Missing Dean, was always there, like part of his soul was gone. But often, the pain turned white hot and sharp. The agony of new profound grief. 

Sam worked up all his courage. He still couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone else. But, Cas deserved to know. 

“Cas, Dean is-“ Sam was stopped by an angelic hand to his chest. 

“I know.” Cas offered softly, seeing the pain in Sam’s eyes, knowing how much it would cost him to have to say the words. 

“He’s in Heaven,” Cas continued, to Sam’s great relief. Relief so great he released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Of course, Dean was in Heaven. Of course. If anyone deserves to be rewarded for eternity, it was Dean. 

“Jack rebuilt it. It’s better now. We made it a Heaven you both deserve.” 

“You, both, did? Cas... that’s amazing. You’ve been wanting to fix Heaven for a long time.” 

“And with Jack, I was able to. I knew he would make paradise. I believed. And I was right.” 

“You were, Cas. Jack is ... amazing... and it’s all because of you.” 

“And you,” blue eyes pierced his. “If not for you, Jack wouldn’t be who he is. And, you saved him. He was going to destroy himself to earn your forgiveness, and you saved him.”

“My forgiveness? There’s nothing he needs my forgiveness for,” Sam wondered, only to be met with a serene smile. 

“That’s what I told him.”

“Good,” Sam replied. 

Then he suddenly realized he hand been standing in Cas arms, holding onto Cas for the entire conversation. He suddenly dropped his hands and stood back. An inscrutable look passed across Cas’ face, but their hands fell to their sides. 

Sam watched them fall, taking in Cas’ new vessel. He always understood that Cas was more than his vessel. He had met the person Cas’ vessel was. So, seeing Cas in a woman’s body didn’t shock him. But, he had to know. 

“Cas? Your vessel? What did you mean when you said ‘find a suitable one’?’”

“After what happened with Jimmy Novak and his family, I swore I would never take another vessel. But, the Empty took and destroyed my previous one. When Jack brought me back, we went straight to Heaven, so I didn’t need one. After Heaven was redone, Jack left to restore other worlds, even ‘Apocalypse World.’ He wanted the people to be able to return to a better world. But, then, Dean died. And I knew you would be all alone. And I didn’t want you to be.”

Sam’s eyes began to suspiciously water at those words, and his heart did a thump of gratitude. Not, trusting himself to speak, he nodded for Cas to continue.

“That meant finding another vessel, though. But I didn’t want to cause the same suffering as I did before. So I tried to find a vessel strong enough to hold me, but of a person near death, so I could get consent, but let the soul go to Heaven. It took longer than I planned. I’m glad I made it in time.” 

“Me, too, Cas. Me too. I was worried.”

“Well, I’m here now. ... should we clean this place up and get out of here?”

“Yes. Let’s do that.”

As he was doing the unpleasant job he and Dean had done countless times, his heart ached with missing his brother. But he looked over at Cas, and was unspeakably grateful not to be alone at the moment.


	2. Inside Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now reunited, what will they do?

Sam pulled up to his motel room. Driving Baby was bittersweet these days. She was home, comfort. She was the last remaining member of the family he grew up with. She was his freedom, his protector, and the one who held him as he cried. 

Because Baby was Dean’s. He loved her so much. Sam was sure that if Heaven was truly what made you happiest, Dean was driving a Heavenly Baby down twisting roads. The music up way too loud. Dean rocking out. 

So Sam treated Baby like the precious one that she is, making sure not to ride the brakes, to have both hands on the wheel. A constant ache in his chest where his heart should be. 

Only for his heart to remind him it’s there by doing its traitorous little flop as the headlights fell over Cas waiting by the door. Just as it always did whenever he saw Cas after any length of absence. 

Jack had restored Cas to full strength and beyond, meaning Cas had their wings back and wanted to use them. Cas had volunteered to get them food and meet him back at the motel. 

Part of Sam wanted to beg, “Don’t leave me alone,” so afraid Cas would disappear and he’d never see them again. But that part was wrong. For there was Cas standing by the room number Sam had told them, dutifully holding bags of food. 

“Here’s the keys. I’ll be right in. I just have to get my stuff.” 

“Okay, Sam,” Cas replied as they gently took the keys from Sam’s outstretched fingers. 

Sam turned to walk to Baby’s trunk, opening it to get his things. His eyes fell on the trenchcoat. It wasn’t the latest one. That had disappeared with Cas into the Empty. This one was from the time Lucifer had killed Cas the night Jack was born. Sam had saved it from the pyre.... 

Grief always a dull ache, roared to life like a lion, ripping at his throat and clawing at his insides as he remembered another pyre. Giving Dean a hunter’s funeral was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, and that included overcoming a possessing archangel to throw himself into the deepest Hell, and all the torture that came after. 

Sam clutched his heart. 

“I'm gonna be with you...right here.”

Dean had said as he was dying. And he was. But, right now it hurt. How it hurt.

“Sam?” the gentle call broke through his painful thoughts. 

“I’m coming.” Sam managed, as he wiped his tears and composed himself to the best of his ability. He only had to make it to the shower. He could let his grief flow there. He could last that long. 

“I need a shower. I’m still covered in werewolf,” Sam explained as he walked through the motel room door that Cas was holding open. “We can eat after?”

“Of course, Sam. I’ll put your salad in the refrigerator.”

“Thanks,” was all Sam could choke out before he headed into the bathroom and closed the door. He threw his bag on the counter and quickly stripped. He entered the shower, turned on the water and let the body wracking sobs claim him. He didn’t even mind the frigid water hitting his warm body before it warmed. He just needed the sound and the wetness to mask his cries. 

He was so overwhelmed with pain, he didn’t hear the bathroom door slowly open. It wasn’t until the gentle hand on his back that he realized he wasn’t alone. 

Cas never could bear to see Sam hurting. The strong human had suffered so much in his short life. Things that brought themselves, an angel, to their knees. And he had borne it and still strived to help others. So, whenever Sam was hurting, Cas would do anything to ease his pain. 

“Cas?” Sam whispered softly as he turned. Barely, registering that they were standing naked together in under the shower spray. Sam’s eyes portraying his agony. 

Cas cupped Sam’s cheek and wiped away a droplet of moisture, neither knowing or caring whether it’s water or tears. Just wanting to be there for Sam. 

Angels changed with their vessels, Sam had noticed. This new vessel of Cas’ was far more into touch, and Sam was grateful as he let his head rest in Cas’ hand. 

Cas’ other hand came up to touch Sam’s chest, and in his emotionally raw state, Sam couldn’t stop his body from reacting. 

And nothing to stop Cas from noticing. 

“When I was human, Sam, there was something that helped me feel better. Maybe I could try something similar?” Cas offered as their hand ran down Sam’s chest and torso to hover centimeters above the part of Sam that was very aware of Cas’ presence. 

Sam’s grief fogged brain unable to remember why he should say no as he surged into Cas’ hand and he felt the shocking contact. 

“You’re willing?” Escaped his lips before he could stop himself. 

That was all Cas needed. They dropped to their knees wrapped their mouth around Sam. 

Intense pleasure exploded through Sam. He couldn’t remember the last time someone did this to him, but he knew it was never like this. Not only was Cas more skilled than he could have dreamed, and he had to admit he had fantasized, but there was something else. His most sensitive and vulnerable part of him was inside Cas. And it was exquisite. 

He didn’t want it to end, which was incredibly difficult with how wonderful Cas’ mouth felt. He was lucky Cas’ strong arm was holding him up, because his knees had given way quickly. 

Through the intense pleasure, his mind barely registered as Cas’ other hand caressed between his cheeks, to reach inside Sam to touch that most tender spot. 

The sensation was white hot ecstasy and he could no longer hold back. He exploded into Cas’ welcoming, pulling mouth as they sucked the last bit down. 

Then, as fast as they were on their knees, Cas was on their feet with a still trembling Sam. 

Sam held on tight as he rode the wave of the most intense orgasm he had ever had. It wasn’t until the water turned cold that he was brought back to reality. 

“Thank you, Cas,” Sam said heart-feltly as he let go. “We should get dressed.” 

“Of course,” Cas murmured, then turned to leave. For some odd reason, Sam tarried behind to give Cas privacy while dressing. Then exited the shower after the door closed. He quickly dressed and rejoined Cas. 

Walking back into the main part of the room, he realized a problem. There was only one bed. He had chosen a king size bed. He didn’t think he could handle staring at an empty bed. 

The pain hit again, but not as ferociously. Cas had ended the pain spiral. Which Sam truly needed. 

But now, the bed. Before what just happened, it wouldn’t have mattered. Cas and him had shared a bed on multiple occasions before. Cas would watch Netflix... or look at the Saturday Morning Post while Sam slept beside him in Sam’s bed. And when the nightmares got too bad, Cas would gently enter his dreams and soothe him. 

Then, Sam mused. What just happened was probably something similar to Cas. No more than a way to soothe Sam. And Sam was reading too much into it. The bed would be fine. 

Cas had set out his salad on the table and was waiting patiently. 

“It looks good, Cas. Thanks.” Sam said as he folded himself into to the empty chair. “Still not eating? I thought you had learned to appreciate food more. You and Jack kept eating that cereal.”

“Crunch Cookie Crunch, yes. But this is a new vessel, so I just assumed.” Cas replied. 

“Here. Try some dressing.” Sam offered. 

Cas took one finger, slide it into dressing, and licked then sucked it off their finger. 

Sam remembered Cas making a similar motion with peanut butter and jelly years ago, and the effect it had on him then. But, it was a more pronounced effect now. 

Sam shuffled in his seat. “How is it? Taste like molecules?” He asked. 

“Unfortunately. It’s odd. You tasted good.” 

Sam coughed. And took a sudden interest in his salad. 

“I find this delicious. Just what I needed.” Sam changed the subject. 

“So, does your new vessel have family? I forgot to ask earlier.” 

“No. That was another part of the requirements. I didn’t want to take anyone else away from their family. Or wear the face of a loved one.” 

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Cas.” 

“I never wanted to cause the pain I caused again. But I wanted to be here for you.” 

“I’m grateful, Cas. More than I can say. You saved me.”

“It was my pleasure, Sam.” 

The word and the gentle way Cas said his name brought sensations best left unexamined. 

“I’ve had a long day. I’m going to turn in. You can do whatever you want. Watch TV, read, whatever you need.” 

“I’ll watch over you.” 

“If that’s what makes you happy.” 

Cas paused oddly, staring at Sam for what seemed like a long time before responding, “It is.” 

“Well, then.”

Sam went to throw away his trash and brush his teeth. When he got to bed, Cas was waiting. 

He got into bed and turned on his side. Soon he felt fingers in his hair, soothing him to sleep. 

——-

The alarm blared at 8 am. Reality rushing in with blaring, urgent sound. 

Dean was gone. He would never grumbly slam the alarm again. So many little things Sam would never experience again. Dean was such a vital part of Sam’s life. ... a part that was no more. 

In pain, he reached across the bed to turn off the alarm. Only to feel the warm body beside him almost under him... Cas. 

Suddenly, the pain dulled slightly as he hit the button to turn off the alarm. 

“Good morning, Sam,” Cas greeted. 

“Morning.” Sam replied, finally realizing he was in Cas’ arms. He raised a questioning brow. 

“You had nightmares. I didn’t want to intrude, so this seemed like the next best thing.” 

Yes, this new vessel was very much more touchy feely, and Sam felt guilt for taking advantage, but he needed it. 

“I’m grateful, Cas. But I don’t want you to think you have to.”

“I want to.” 

All Sam could do was smile in wonder into those blue eyes. He was filled with such amazed gratitude. 

“So, where do we go next?” Cas asked. 

Sam knew Cas meant the question innocently. But it was the one question he was afraid of. Because... he didn’t know the answer. He gently sat up, disentangling himself first. 

He knew he wanted to live a life that would make Dean proud. And he knew he wanted to keep saving people. That he was good at hunting things. But he didn’t want to do it without his brother. He never wanted to do it without his brother. And he didn’t want to mess up. He wasn’t worried about dying, that would almost be a relief. No, he was worried about never seeing Dean again. 

But.... would Cas leave him if he stopped hunting? The fear of losing Cas, too, after he just got them back scared him. 

He could force himself to go back to the Bunker. With Cas, it may make it bearable. Or they could do what Dean and him used to do. Go endlessly from motel to motel ... 

The tears came unbidden. It’s not what he wanted with Cas, but what he wouldn’t give to be able to have that with Dean again. 

Warm arms suddenly wrapped around him. 

“Sam, are you okay? I didn’t mean to-“ 

“I know you didn’t, Cas. It’s not your fault. I just ... don’t know.” He put his hands over Cas’ cherishing the connection. 

“I have to know,” Sam finally found the courage to ask, “How long will you stay with me?” 

Sam was expecting a “Until you’re ready to be alone.” Or a “while you’re hunting.” So the answer shocked. 

“As long as you’ll have me, until the day you die, if you wish.” 

Sam couldn’t stop himself from asking the next question, “You mean as long as I’m hunting?”

“No, Sam. As long as you live, I want to be by your side. You have done so much for me. I want to be there for you. Whatever you decide.”

Sam’s breath caught and his heart skipped a beat only to race to catch up. And the relief was palpable. 

“I want you there, too, Cas. You don’t know what it means to have you here.”

Cas smiled softly, “So do know what you want to do?” 

“I want to save people. Maybe ... I could be more like Bobby used to be. Less out in the field, more behind the scenes. Dean hated that. But... I liked it.”

“You were very good. You’re an amazing leader.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Sam felt himself smile like he would any time Cas complimented him. “But, I can’t go back to the Bunker. I-“

“Sam. I understand. You don’t have to explain.”

“Thank you.” Sam replied. Another tear. When did crying before Cas become so easy? 

“I do have all the archives on a secret server. I could access them anywhere.” 

“You could.” Cas agreed. 

“And the Men of Letters still owns houses all over. Of course.... they’re haunted.”

“We’re not afraid of any ghosts.” 

Sam had to smile at Cas’ unintentional correction of a popular phrase. But he had to make sure of one thing. 

“Cas, would you live with me?”

“Of course, Sam. I want to. I want to be with you.”

“Then, today, we hunt.... for a house.”


	3. First Born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title is a huge clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decisions.

This was the fifth house they had looked at. All of the other ones didn’t feel right to Sam. They were too big, too opulent. He could feel Cas beginning to get annoyed. Especially because every house they had to rid of the ghost. And every salt and burn broke Sam. But he refused to give in and allow Cas to distract him as before. 

“You feel the loss.” 

Dean deserved his pain. And Cas deserved to not be used. So Sam tried to push down his pain. But sometimes, he wasn’t successful. 

But as he saw Cas stand outside this house, looking to him as if to ask, “Is THIS house acceptable?” Sam couldn’t help but think it was perfect. A bit run down as these houses tend to be, but.... perfect. 

“I like it, Cas. What do you think?” 

“It’s perfectly fine to me, Sam. But so were the other four.” 

Sam hid a quick smile. Cas was being more than patient, but he loved when Cas was slightly snarky. 

Of course...

“Let’s go in and see if we can find out which ghost it is. I don’t relish the idea of burning more bodies than we have to.”

With a pang, Sam remembered when the worst part was digging up the grave. Dean used to always complain. But Sam welcomed the physical exertion. ... but not what came after. 

“Nor I, Sam. Let’s go inside.”

Cas went first, and Sam followed right behind. It didn’t take long. The EMF meter went off immediately and objects started crashing into walls almost as soon as they stepped in the door. 

Great, a poltergeist, a seriously ticked off spirit. But which person? 

A family of four had been murdered in their sleep in 1950’s. The house had been built in the 1940’s and the only other occupant had been a couple. The wife had run off and the husband quickly sold the house. So, five choices. 

“Cas. Are you getting anything specific about the ghost?” 

“Only that she’s very angry,” Cas stated as they knocked a flying lamp out of the way so it wouldn’t hit Sam. 

“She?” That narrowed it down considerably. Only two of the people had been female. 

“I have a hunch, Cas. We need to get down to the basement.” 

“I’ll protect you. Let’s go.” 

They were definitely going the right way, if the increase in the ferocity of the attacks were any indication. But Cas was there. They made sure nothing even came close to hurting Sam. 

No wonder the Men of Letters left this. Any regular person would have been dead in minutes. But Sam had an angel, his angel, watching over him. 

In the basement, he saw it. The faux wall. Just then, an axe flung itself at Sam, only to deftly caught by Cas. 

“Can I have that? I need it to take down this wall. Cover me?” 

“I’ve got you, Sam. Do what you need to do.” 

Sam had to admit, it felt good demolishing the wall. And even better knowing he could absolutely trust Cas to have his back. And even if the ghost killed him, that’s all it could do. 

The stench hit his nose first. The corpse was dry, but the stench was still bad. 

He heard Cas grunt behind him. His angel was getting hurt, for him. So, without thinking about or remembering pain, he quickly salted and burned the body. 

There was an unearthly scream, then everything went quiet. 

Sam turned around to look at Cas, to see how badly hurt they were. There were scratches and cuts, even a more seriously bleeding wound. 

“Oh, Cas... are you okay?” 

With a flash of iridescent light, suddenly Cas was fully healed. 

“I’m fine, Sam. How about you?” 

“Not a scratch, thanks to you.” 

“I’m glad. So... is this our new home.”

Our home. 

Sam still couldn’t believe Cas wanted to be with him. It must be out of a sense of duty. But, Sam couldn’t bring himself to care. The pain without Cas so much worse. And Sam promised Dean he would keep going. Cas was part of that. 

“Yes, Cas. We’re home.” 

—-

Home improvement was rewarding, but challenging. 

Especially since Sam and Cas were doing most themselves. 

Old pipes, old wiring, everything needed to be replaced. It was lucky they were able to sell those other four houses. It gave them the capital needed for the repairs. 

Today, Sam was tackling the living room while Cas was working in the adjacent dining room. 

There was just a dilapidated old couch and mouldy walls. Grimey built in bookcases flanking a unusable fireplace was on one wall. The other walls needed to come down though. 

Sam began sledgehammering the wall when the constant ache of Dean being gone roared back to life. 

Dean was the one who was good at construction. 

Dean was the one who chose that career when he had a chance at normal. 

Dean was the one who should be making a home. 

Dean was the hero. 

Dean was the good one. 

Dean was the strong one. 

Dean was the smart one. 

Dean deserved a chance at a good life. 

Dean should be the one alive. 

Not Sam. 

Each thought had accompanied a blow to the walls. 

All except the last one. With that one, he just sat the sledge hammer down and started crying. He couldn’t help it. 

It was so unfair. Dean should be here. Dean was finally free. He should be here. 

Warm, gentle arms surrounded Sam. He couldn’t resist their lure, and turned in Cas’ arms to return the embrace and just sob. 

After a bit, he heard Cas’ voice ask tentatively. 

“Did I do it wrong?” 

Cas thinking they had failed at anything was enough to give Sam pause. 

“What?” He asked incredulously. Not comprehending what Cas could possibly think they did wrong. 

“On our first night we were reunited. I thought ... I thought I had helped. You seemed to have enjoyed it. It seemed to help. Was I wrong? Did I not do well enough? You haven’t seemed willing since.”

Sam, and his body, were reminded of the mind blowing pleasure of that moment. His response at the mere thought made Cas’ words almost laughable. 

“No, Cas. You were amazing. It’s just ... for humans, that has ... meaning. A special relationship. It’s not-“

“So every person you had sex with you had special feelings and relationships with?” Cas cut him off. 

“Well, no,” Sam had to admit. 

“Then why is this different?”

And there it was. It was different for Sam. But there was no way he had the courage to admit it to Cas. 

“Why? You don’t care for me? You don’t want me to touch you in that way? Is that it?”

“No, Cas. It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Cas insisted. 

“I’m in love with you! Okay?” The truth burst forth from Sam. And he couldn’t stop it. “I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met. And the feelings have just gotten stronger. But I know you don’t feel the same way. You prefer Dean. You always have. You and him have the ‘more profound bond.’ So, if I took you up on your offer, I would be taking advantage of you for my own selfish reasons. And it wouldn’t mean to you what it means to me.” 

He went to sit on the old, dirty couch and hung his head in his hands. Unable to look at Cas to see their reaction to Sam’s confession. 

He didn’t know what to expect, really. Maybe Cas would just stare? Would just walk away to continue their work? What he was not expecting is what happened. 

For Cas to get on their knees in front of Sam and gently pry his hands from his face. Sam stared into beautiful, loving?, blue eyes. 

“Sam. If I wanted to be with Dean. I could be with Dean. I’m here with you, because I chose you.” Then Cas kissed Sam. 

Sam’s will to resist melted away and him fervently kissed Cas back. Lifting them up onto his lap. His mind registering that this was reminiscent of what happened so many years ago. But this wasn’t a conniving demon. This was Cas. His angel whom he loved and trusted. 

Sam’s hand ran under Cas’ dress up their bare thigh as he continued kissing. Then he made an erotically shocking discovery. 

“Cas,” he broke the kiss to note, “you’re not wearing underwear.” 

Cas blushed. Blushed. 

“I must admit. I was hoping you would...” Cas’ voice broke off as Sam took advantage of his access to caress Cas in the most sensitive of places. 

“What, Cas?” He asked as he continued to pleasure Cas, enjoying watching Cas’ reaction. “What would you like me to do you?” 

But Cas was too far gone already. So Sam decided that turn about was fair play. 

He deftly unbuttoned his plaid with one hand and laid it out on the couch beside them. All the while not stopping his tender torture on Cas. He then laid Cas on the shirt and replaced his thumb with his mouth. 

Cas’ hiss and moans of pleasure were music to Sam’s ears. And he wanted to make a symphony. 

He licked, sucked, and gently nipped until Cas was moaning his name. Then he inserted fingers to massage inside causing Cas to cry out in cascading release. 

He pulled back to look at the replete Cas. Hoping he had given them even a modicum of the pleasure they had given him. 

But suddenly, Cas sat bolt upright, removing Sam’s shirt. And reaching to unbuckle his belt and undo his pants. 

“That was amazing, Sam. Now I want you inside me, please.”

It was what Sam wanted almost more than anything. He wrestled with guilt for a bit. But hadn’t he felt the loss of Dean? Wouldn’t he continue to feel the loss every day for the rest of his life? Dean would want him to have fun. Dean had said so. 

With that, he pushed all thoughts of Dean to the back of his mind. And focused instead on thoroughly immersing himself in the pleasure Cas gave him and he could give Cas. 

He had fantasized for years. But this was beyond anything he could have imagined. The sensations were mind blowing and soul deep. He felt the pleasure with ever fiber of his being. This was Cas. This was more... more than anything he ever had before. 

He felt Cas come repeatedly, and when his body could take no more and gave him the most intense release he ever had, he picked Cas up onto his lap, holding them in his arms, all the while still connected. 

After the shuddering of their bodies had stopped, their heart beats had slowed, and their breathing returned to normal, Cas softly said, 

“I never knew, Sam.” 

Sam, even all that he had confessed and done, was still too hesitant to ask what Cas was referring to. Was it that they never knew Sam’s feelings? That it could be like this between them? 

So, instead, he just held Cas’ naked body against his, a relished the moment. 

——-

The house was finally complete. It was warded to the level of the Bunker behind wallpaper that Dean would call “garish.” The fixtures were iron. And salt was located in the seals of all windows and doors. The house was as safe as possible for it to be. 

Miracle loved it. The back yard. The house. She was happy. Now if only he could stop Cas from giving her treats every time she begged. 

The Hunter network was up and running. Everyone understanding Sam’s need to step back. Everyone mourning Dean in their own way. Sam was right. He couldn’t have handled their grief and well wishes before. He didn’t know if he could have ever handled them without Cas. 

He and Cas had settled into a nice comfortable life. Cas would either help with research or go on quick trips to answer prayers, like they always wanted to. 

It was nice. 

Then why did it feel like there was something missing? Besides the massively obvious. Sam allowed himself to feel the pang of pain. 

He heard the familiar rustle of wings indicating Cas return. 

He turned with a smile, “Cas.”

Cas returned his smile, “Sam,” a beat, then, “I want a baby.” 

It was a good thing Sam had a firm grip on his coffee cup, or it would have joined his jaw on the floor. Leave it to Cas to cut right through pretense. 

“You want to adopt?” Sam asked after he recovered from shock. 

“No. I want your baby, Sam,” Cas explained as they walked, what could only be called seductively, towards Sam. And Sam’s body definitely responded. 

Cas put a hand on Sam’s chest and looked up into Sam’s eyes imploringly. 

“The world needs a Winchester. And you neither can or want to live forever.” 

Sam couldn’t help but slightly wince at his second point. No matter how good Sam’s life was. No matter how good his life with Cas was. He was living for Dean. He was counting down to when he could be with Dean, his brother, again. 

“But, Cas, you’re an angel. Can you even get pregnant?” Sam asked, unable to even entertain the idea that Cas wanted him to be with someone else. 

“I could. If we removed my grace.” Cas explained. 

“But then you wouldn’t have your angel powers. And you love answering prayers,” Sam countered. 

“I do. It would only be for a little while. Would you still love me if I didn’t have my powers?” Cas inquired, worriedly. 

Sam brought up reassuring hands to Cas’ arms. “I will love you no matter what. It’s you I worry about.” 

“So. It’s decided,” Cas stated firmly. 

“Cas. It’s not that simple,” Sam had to chuckle. 

Then he remembered what it would take. Besides the part he would frankly look very forward to ... 

They had to go to the Bunker. His heart clenched in pain at the thought. But as he looked down into those pleading blues eyes, he knew he would do almost anything for Cas. 

—— 

Sam thought it was best to drive. It was perhaps a dumb, painful idea. But Baby needed it. She had been sitting covered in the garage for too long. Luckily Cas was willing to ride along. It made the trip bearable. 

And there it was. The old power station that hid the Bunker. Sam pulled up to the entrance instead of coming in through the garage. 

He wanted to do this right. 

He stepped out of Baby and looked at the entrance and took a deep painful breath, remembering all those years ago when Dean and him first found the place. 

Cas’ hand took hold of his, and he steeled himself to go inside. 

He unlocked the door and threw on the lights. And there it was, looking untouched from the moment he and Miracle left. 

He took it all in. Including the pain. He could walk back in, but Dean never could. Sam saw him everywhere. Memories of him walking the patented Dean Winchester walk. 

His breath caught as the grief pounced. This had been Dean’s home. Their home. And it simply wasn’t home without Dean. 

“I’m sorry, Sam. I never should have asked you to come back here.” 

His hand tightened on Cas’. 

“You miss him, too. We miss both of them.” 

They stood together in their shared grief for a moment. Then descended the stairs together. 

“I need to show you something,” Sam spoke softly, as he led Cas to the table with carvings. 

“I’m there,” Cas breathed in awe. “Jack.”

“You’re family, Cas. You always were. Dean referred to you as the ‘third brother.’ I must admit, I saw you differently... sorry.” 

Cas turned tear filled blue eyes to Sam. 

“You carved my name under yours.” 

“Yes. Do you mind?” 

Cas answered by pulling Sam down into a deep grateful kiss. 

After the kiss ended, Cas demanded, “Let’s do this, Sam.”

“Okay.”

They went to the infirmary and found the grace extractor. 

Cas positioned themselves on the operating table, a reversal of that fateful day when Cas told him that nothing was worth losing him. After that point, his heart was irrevocably Cas’, though he never had a hope for that love to be returned. And even though their lives were what they were now, he still doubted that Cas felt the same way for him. 

“This might hurt. Are you sure?” 

“I trust you, Sam. I’m sure.” 

Sam was as gentle and careful as possible. Apparently, it hurt a lot less if you weren’t on the brink of death without angelic intervention. Soon, all of Cas’ grace was out, shimmering resplendently in the syringe.

“How do you feel, Cas?” He asked as he gingerly placed the syringe in its protective case, as though it was precious. Because, it was. 

“I feel … ready,” Cas proclaimed as they pulled Sam down on top of them tearing at Sam's clothing and kissing him fervently. 

Sam, after recovering from his momentary surprise, responded with equal fervor, pulling Cas’ clothes out the way to give them what they both wanted, what they both craved. 

It was quick, urgent, and wonderful. But Sam wanted more. He wanted something… special. 

He wrapped Cas’ legs around his waist, and made his way to his room, their room. 

He laid Cas down on his, no their, bed and took Cas in ways he always dreamed. Slowly, quickly, from behind. He even let Cas take him multiple times. To do whatever they wanted with Sam. It was all so far beyond anything Sam could have ever fantasized about. 

Time had lost all meaning. It was only them. Sam firmly reining in his constant grief to give this moment to Cas. He would forever mourn Dean. But Dean would want him to live. 

After, Cas lay in his arms, head on his chest, fingers tracing patterns on his chest. 

“That was incredible, Sam,” Cas breathed contently. 

“You’re incredible,” Sam replied, gently kissing Cas’ head. “How do you feel?” 

“Wonderful … sore.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. All these nights, I sat here beside you watching TV wanting to do all these things with you and never dreaming you would want to do them with me.” 

“What?” 

“I hid how I felt. I knew I was nothing more than a brother or friend. But …. I wanted you. I wanted you ever since you invited me into your bed, maybe before.”

“And here I was hiding how I felt from you,” Sam mused. 

“We do seem to be very alike.” 

To hear that from an angel, the only angel deserving the name in Sam’s opinion, that he, the boy with the demon blood, the one cursed since before he was born, words couldn’t express how that felt. All he could do was hug Cas tighter. 

“I have to ask. What happened with Eileen? I assumed she was brought back by Jack. And I thought you two… it’s why I distanced myself from you,” Cas inquired brokenly. 

“That was all Chuck. Which part of me suspected. As soon as he wasn’t in control anymore, she lost whatever interest she had in me. And I never felt more than a dutiful friendship to her. She had saved Dean’s life once. So I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“So, you two never…..”

“No, I had called her before...just to make sure she was okay. And she made it clear she felt used by Chuck and rather I didn’t contact her again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I just wish her the best,” then Sam’s voice changed. “And also, she was the reason…”

“The reason?” Cas asked. 

“The reason we didn’t get to say goodbye,” Sam explained. “I was so worried that I had failed her again. Then you left and didn’t come back.” Tears pricked Sam’s eyes. He cleared his throat. “And, just so you know, I’d have chosen you, if you had asked me to.”

Cas just stared in wonder before quickly changing the subject. 

“I’m also hungry.” 

Sam chuckled. “I am, too.” 

They went to the kitchen, both naked. They managed to find food acceptable to eat. But, they were more interested in consuming each other. 

They were acting like newlyweds, Sam thought in amusement. 

And they continued to do so, having sex in every room except Dean’s. That was sacred. 

Every place they had ever fantasized about, they did it. 

In the dungeon, they got kinky. 

The shower room was wet fun. 

They saved the library and map table for last. 

These had featured frequently in both their fantasies. And they wanted to take their time. 

On the Map Table, Sam cherished every inch of Cas’ body. He made love to Cas all over the world without leaving the room. And Cas rode him to shouting Cas’ name the same. 

But, it was time to go home. And this was no longer it. 

Besides, Miracle was waiting. 

One would think it would be easier to leave this time, but it wasn’t. No matter that he had made memories he would cherish forever. 

Dean was gone. And now that he stopped forcing the pain aside to be present for Cas, the pain came roaring back. Every moment, every memory played like a movie in his head. And Dean starred in every one. The fights, the discussions, the battles, the drinks. The holidays they finally celebrated.

Sam knew they wouldn’t be returning. He had packed up everything they would need this time. 

Cas paid his last respects to the table of names and headed up the stairs giving Sam a moment alone. 

Sam stared at the SW and DW, remembering when they carved them. Dean had wanted them to leave their mark. 

The world would never know all that Dean Winchester had done for them. How often he had saved them. How he was vital in reordering the cosmos. How he had killed Hitler. But Sam did. 

He rubbed his finger across the DW that Dean himself had carved and let the tears flow. 

“You were the best brother the world has ever known.”

He touched his fingers to his lips, then to the letters.

“I love you so much, my big brother.”

He then joined Cas on the balcony and took the offered hand. Together they took one last look, turned off the lights, and locked the door. 

Leaving the Bunker empty until the world needed it again. 

—— 

Cas had gotten pregnant in the Bunker, they would find out a short time later. Which to them both seemed fitting. 

Cas’ pregnancy was delightfully uneventful, and Cas had read plenty of books getting ready for Jack. Which Sam found quite a relief. 

Sam and Cas decided to get married for legal reasons. It was a small wedding with only close friends in attendance. But they both swore they saw Jack there. 

Sam wished Dean could have been there in person. But he was there in Sam’s heart. As always. 

And, on January 24th, Dean Winchester was born on his namesake’s birthday to two loving parents, Sam and Cas.


	4. Peace of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you. That’s all I can say.

If there was anything sexier than Cas wearing his plaid shirt and nothing else, Sam wasn’t aware of it. He sometimes imagined Cas’ old vessel, and it was still the hottest. Because it was never the vessel, it was always Cas. 

“Good Morning,” Sam said in a sexy growl as he wrapped his arms around Cas. 

“Good morning,” Cas replied turning in Sam’s arms, wrapping their arms around Sam’s neck for a long good morning kiss…. when the baby monitor crackled on. 

They both chuckled at the timing. 

“I’ll get him,” Sam offered. He went to Dean’s nursery and picked up the cooing, smiling bundle. 

“I love you, Dean. Good morning.” 

Cas stood in the doorway, marveling at the sight of this huge human holding this tiny baby with so much gentle care and love. 

Sam’s eyes connected with Cas’ and held for one perfect moment. 

Then the thought came, unbidden…

I wish Dean was here. 

Tears pricked at the back of Sam’s eyes. Dean would never meet his nephew. Dean would never meet his uncle. It was unfairness on a cosmic level. 

As always, Cas felt Sam’s change in mood and was right there with a comforting hand. 

“Look who’s here,” Sam said down to the little face, “it’s Mada.” 

Together, they held and rocked Dean. 

Until the smell hit their noses. 

“I’ll change him,” Sam offered. “You already do so much.”

Having an angel as a partner was wonderful. They didn’t need sleep. They could teleport to get supplies. They could always be counted to heal if things got too scary. Luckily, Dean was a healthy baby. 

Sam remembered a day when they had run out of diapers, and suddenly Cas had appeared with boxes. 

As he was changing the smelly diaper, he couldn’t help but smile as he remembered Dean calling it an IED with poop. It was a very accurate analogy. 

Today was the day before Dean was six months old. Sam couldn’t help but be nervous. 

Cas came in wearing their dress, and he had a horrible vision of them on the ceiling, bleeding and burning. He imagined his beautiful, precious son being force fed demon blood. He knew these fears were irrational. Azazel and even Lucifer were long gone. But still, he was afraid he would lose this like his father had. 

He was on edge all day. He knew Cas could tell, but also that Cas understood. 

That night, Sam stayed in Dean’s room long after the last lullaby and Dean was sleeping peacefully. Right before midnight, Cas came in and sat on his lap. 

“It’s going to be okay, Sam. What happened to your family won’t happen here,” Cas comforted. 

Sam hugged Cas close. 

“I know, logically,” Sam explained, “But I’m still scared to lose what we have.” 

Cas gently kissed Sam’s forehead as the clock struck midnight.

But otherwise, it was an uneventful night. And day. And next night. 

Until finally, Sam was feeling sure enough to go to sleep. 

One curse broken. Dean unscathed. 

——-

Dean was the happiest toddler Sam had ever known. Not that he had known many. But Dean was always smiling and laughing. 

He was giggling as he took his first steps… as he walked toward Sam. 

When they walked in the park, Dean’s little fingers wrapped around Sam’s, Dean was smiling and laughing. 

Sam wonder if his brother had been like this as a toddler. Before the weight of the world had fell on his shoulders at the tender age of four. 

Cas and him swore they would give this Dean the life the other Dean deserved. 

Sam owed him. 

——-

42\. Some thought it was the answer to the universe. For Sam, it was the first birthday he would see that Dean never was able to reach. 

He really didn’t want to get out of bed. He just wanted to lay in bed and cry at the unfairness of it all. 

He remembered all the times Dean and he talked about getting old. About would they, and what they wanted to do if they did. He even kept the brochure about a Senior Living Facility that Dean liked. 

It was one of the first things he destroyed after Dean died. 

Dean would never be old. 

And he should have been able to be. 

Sam’s tearful reminiscing was interrupted by a very exuberant 3 yr old, running in and bouncing on Sam. 

“Dad! Dad! Wake up! Birthday!” 

Sam grabbed the little boy in a fierce but gentle loving hug. 

“I’m awake, little tiger. I’ll get up.”

“No! Mada made special!”

Cas came in just then with a bed tray of fresh squeezed juice and an egg white omelette. 

“I’m sorry, Sam. I told him not to wake you. But he’s excited.” 

Sam smiled at both of them. 

“It’s wonderful. Breakfast in bed?”

“Yes.”

Sam ate the delicious breakfast under watchful eyes. 

Then was quickly dragged to the living room by little hands. Cas following close behind. 

It was then he saw the gifts. 

They weren’t wrapped, but Sam didn’t need them to be. 

Tears pricked behind his eyes. He… 

“Do you like them?” Cas asked almost timidly. 

“I love them.”

When they had moved in, Sam had framed the picture of Dean, him, and their mom on the restored bookshelf. 

Cas had apparently gone into his keepsake box, and framed more. They lined the shelf. Dean’s smiling face. His mother’s beautiful smile. 

And on the wall, the crowning jewel hung. 

A picture out of time, only surviving due to its place in a temporal nexus. 

Cas had taken the picture of his mom, his dad, Dean and him and had it enlarged and framed. 

That one brief perfect moment, captured to be remembered forever. 

“Cas….” Sam didn’t even try to stop his tears. 

“I’ll be with you every step.”

“You are, Dean, you are,” Sam thought staring at his brother’s beloved face smiling down on him. 

“Dad sad?” A small voice asked. 

Sam immediately picked up Dean, and brought Cas closer and into his arms. Holding his family he stared at pictures of … his family. 

“Some tears are good, Dean,” Sam explained. Then he kissed both on the cheek. 

Then he realized. 

“Why aren’t you up there, Cas?” 

“This is just a vessel, Sam. Someone whose body I had to negotiate for. It just doesn’t feel right.” 

“Okay, Cas. Whatever makes you happy.” 

Cas paused a moment, simply staring in wonder at Sam. 

“This does,” Cas said with an odd level of realization. “This makes me very happy.”

——-

For Halloween that next year, they were the Kent’s. Sam was Ma Kent, Cas was Pa Kent, and Dean was Clark, complete with a Superman pajamas underneath. Dean had picked them out. 

Dean was so proud of all the candy he got. He smiled and exclaimed. He would repeatedly tell you the story of how he mastered “Happy Halloween” and “Trick or Treat.” 

He would also admit he added, “Smell my feet,” but only once after the look Dad gave him. 

Sam watched him with pride. But the fear in the back of his mind nagged. 

Cas and Sam had decided not to give Dean a sibling. They had been worried if something had happened to Dean while Cas was pregnant and graceless. They didn’t want to have to make that awful choice. So Dean was an only child. 

But, even though there wasn’t a new baby turning six months old, he was still wary of Nov. 2nd of when Dean was four. 

He didn’t want Dean to suffer what his namesake did at the same age. 

Sam was once again filled with awe and gratitude for his big brother. 

When Sam looked at his son, he was so childlike and carefree. He couldn’t imagine him having to take on the responsibilities his brother Dean had at that age. 

But Dean had. And he never complained. 

Sam’s heart filled with that overflowing love he had for his brother. 

“Thank you, Dean. Thank you for everything.”

And when Nov. 2nd came and went with the worst thing being a four year old with a sugar high, Sam rested easier. 

Second curse broken. Dean remained unscathed and still a child.

——

The Hunter Network was still going strong. Though Sam was still technically the head of it, it had taken a step back and given a lot of the workload to Jody, Donna, and the girls. 

Patience had found a way to use her psychic powers and dark web feeds to track down the monsters that bought fresh human parts add the black monster market. It would take awhile, due to the number of monsters. But, it was progress. 

Sam had told them that he would rather stay out of the field ever since Dean was born. But, he also said they could always call him and he would be there if the world was ending. It was a call that never came. 

With a new God that wasn’t trying to throw one Apocalypse after another to see how the Winchesters could handle it, the world was a safer place. 

Sam still wanted to help people, though. So he wrote books under the name Cass T. L. Clarence, with Cas’ blessing, of course. 

They featured the adventures of Harry & Ed, and a demon named Fergus. To the untrained eye, they looked like fiction books. But they contained all the lore current and future hunters would need. 

And each book was dedicated to Dean. 

“To Dean- the best brother the world has ever known.”

“To Dean- without you, none of this would be possible.” 

“To Dean- the world can never repay you.”

“To Dean- you were gone too soon.”

“To Dean- wish you were here.”

“To Dean- I’ll carry you in my heart always.”

And so on. 

They weren’t wildly popular, but were more popular than the Supernatural books had been. Sam took perverse joy in that. 

They didn’t make them insanely wealthy, but gave them a comfortable lifestyle. 

Sam never had to commit credit card fraud again. 

During this time, Dean was growing fast. And he was such a wonderful boy. 

His Mada and Dad were so proud of him. 

Sam taught Dean how to play catch and ride a bicycle. And do all the things kids do. 

They cheered him on in sports and also never pressured him to play. 

And Cas taught him different languages and bits of wisdom. 

Dean had stability, they stayed in the same house. 

Dean had innocence. To him, monsters were just fictional characters in his dad’s books. 

Dean had two parents that loved him very much.

In short, Dean had everything Sam wished he could have given to his brother. 

———- 

Dean was at his first sleep over. Which made Sam nervous, more nervous than he wanted to admit. 

But Dean had to grow up some time. And he was 12. 

He heard Cas move around in the kitchen. So, he saved his work and closed his laptop to join them. 

His jaw dropped when he saw Cas where nothing but one of his plaids, riding up as they stretched to reach for something. 

Sam closed the space and wrapped an undemanding arm around Cas’ waist. And whispered into their ear, “Is there something I can get you?”

Cas turned slowly, revealing that the shirt was unbuttoned. 

“Yes, you.”

Then Cas rose to kiss him. 

All thoughts of food left Sam as he chose to focus on Cas instead. 

Sam lifted Cas onto the counter, then kneeled. He feasted on Cas, until Cas was screaming his name. Then he joined Cas, as Cas wrapped their legs around Sam’s waist and they enjoyed their evening alone. Sam would never get over the way this felt. It was beyond anything he ever experienced whenever he was with Cas. And he tried his best, to keep the ever present pain at bay. 

Until late that night, when they got the call. 

Dean wanted to come home. 

Sam remembered Charlie’s story. So carefully drove there and back, with Cas at his side. 

It was an uneventful trip except for Dean’s apologies. Which Sam quickly reassured were not needed. 

Another crisis averted, Sam thought. 

—- 

Miracle had passed away. Dean was devastated. They were the best of buds. Always there for each other. 

But she was getting old and was in pain. So it was for the best. 

Taking on another’s pain so they don’t have to suffer anymore. 

Sam managed to stay strong for Dean, as long as he needed him to. 

Then in private, he broke down and cried. His brother had loved Miracle. And it felt like another piece of his brother was gone. 

He remembered how Miracle hadn’t left his side in those early darkest days after Dean’s death. How grateful he was. 

But now, she too was gone. So Sam cried. 

—— 

It was time for “the talk.” Sam and Cas both agreed. 

So they sat Dean down and told him the truth. 

“Monsters are real.” 

But more importantly they filled in the blanks about the Dean he was named for. 

It had always been “Dad’s amazing older brother who had practically raised him.” 

They did keep the “your older brother is God” secret for now, though. 

Dean took it actually well. 

“I knew it!” He exclaimed. “I knew your books were real.”

Dean had never seen the darker side of hunting. So he didn’t approach the knowledge with fear. 

But he did develop a better understanding and appreciation for his family. 

And a better understanding of the miracle that was the picture on their wall. 

——

Dean was fifteen. It was time he learned how to drive. 

And there was only one way for a Winchester to learn,

Baby. 

Sam had kept her in mint condition over the years. She and Dean deserved no less. But now it was time to teach the next generation how to care for her. 

She was beautiful. Dean loved her. 

He drove her with care as though she was precious, just like his namesake had. 

Sam had to quell the tinge in his heart of again riding shotgun while Dean drove. But it also felt right. 

And as Dean pulled into the drive, Sam praised, 

“Perfect landing, son.”

Just as his brother had told him he repeatedly had dreamed. 

He made that dream a reality for his son. 

—-

Dean, like his father, got a full ride into Stanford.

But this news was met with absolute pride. Though, Sam was worried, Cas assured him that no demons were circling their son. Rowena wouldn’t have allowed it anyway. 

So Sam let Dean know how very proud he was, breaking yet another cycle of pain. 

And when Dean graduated valedictorian, there weren’t prouder parents than Sam and Cas. 

—— 

It was hard being in love with someone who loved someone else more. But Cas always knew it would be that way. 

The love between Sam and Dean was stronger than anything, even God. 

And Sam, the wonderful man he was, always did his best to make sure that Cas and their son knew they were loved. 

But Cas knew. 

Cas knew that Sam was living for Dean. To honor his brother. 

Cas knew he was living for his family. To be the best he could for them. 

But, Cas also knew that he was counting down the time until he could be with his brother again. 

Sam moved fitfully in his sleep. He slept shirtless, so Cas was able to observe every muscle. Every move. 

And as beautiful as the sight was, they also noticed the difference. 

Sam Winchester was in pain. Not just emotional as he always was. But Sam’s body was slowing down. 

It started after they took Dean to Stanford. 

Sam never complained. 

Dean was right, his brother was incredibly strong. 

A tear slipped down Cas’ cheek as they soothed Sam’s brow and ran their hand through Sam’s hair. 

Sam had taught Cas forgiveness, by so easily forgiving Cas. 

They still remembered breaking Sam’s wall, a sin for which they could never atone, though Sam never treated them badly for it. Sam had prayed to them. Sam had saved them. And it wasn’t just then.

Sam was their rock. Sam kept them steady. Sam helped them be the angel Cas always wanted to be. And did not demand anything in return. 

Sam was the reason they had raised a benevolent God together. 

Sam had made them happier than they had thought possible. 

But soon, this stolen time with Sam would come to an end. 

Years of hunting, magic, and even the trials had taken their toll on the human’s fragile body, and it was starting to show. 

Cas could heal him. They were so tempted to heal him. To keep Sam with them longer. 

Cas almost did. Their hand poised over Sam’s bare chest. After all, what was a few years, or even decades in the face of eternity? 

But then they saw Sam’s soul, and the painful jagged edge. What happens when a soul finds its mate only to be ripped apart. The pain must be excruciating, but Sam never complained. And Cas knew where the other half was. And it wasn’t them. 

So Cas just nuzzled into Sam’s arms and was reflexively engulfed. 

Cas cried into that warm chest, and listened to that beating heart. The heart that would sooner than Cas wanted, beat no more. 

—- 

Sam hated the wig. But Dean had bought it for him, so what was he supposed to do? He had to wear it. 

The chemo had caused all his hair to fall out. He had to admit, it had hurt his vanity a bit. But he had promised Dean to always keep fighting. 

But the prognosis he had just received from his doctor was grim. He only had a couple of years left. And his quality of life would decline quickly. 

He could already feel his body failing. He was weak from chemo, but it was something else. 

His soul was weary. Cas told him he could heal him physically, but his soul needed rest. And he knew it to be true. 

But there was something he needed to do. A goodbye he couldn’t push off any longer. 

So he made his way out to the garage. 

And using his remaining strength, he uncovered Baby. 

He was going to give her to Dean. But he held off because he couldn’t bring himself to yet. 

But it was time. Already, he couldn’t drive her anymore. 

So he made his way to the driver seat, even though he was tempted to take the seat he had always taken. But that wasn’t the goodbye he needed. 

So he sat behind her wheel. 

Where his beloved brother had sat for so many miles. 

He nodded to the passenger seat, remembering when he sat there, but also the few times Dean did when he let Sam drive. 

Especially that first year they were together again. In retrospect, that was Dean trying to win Sam back to his side by giving Sam what he himself enjoyed most. Sam just hadn’t realized. 

Sam took off his glasses shakily, summoning all of his strength, he grabbed the wheel.. one last time. 

The pain was overwhelming… “Dean”, his soul cried out. 

He felt the connection and could almost swear he felt Dean driving as well. 

He so wanted to be there with him. 

“Soon. I’ll be there soon, Dean. Wait for me.” He thought through his pain. 

And then he let go of his last vestige of that life. Leaving him only pictures of Dean and his brother’s watch that he never took off.

“Goodbye, Baby. Dean will treat you well.” 

——

It was time. Cas knew. They weren’t ready. But they never would be. 

Dean would be here soon to say goodbye. Cas knew Sam would hold on until then. 

It was time for Cas’ goodbye. 

They had set Sam’s hospice up in the living room under the pictures of his family with Dean added. Cas had taken to watching him from the nearby couch. 

They hadn’t used their bedroom in years. 

Cas looked at the room and remembered all the memories. 

The time Sam had confessed to Cas that he was in love with them. And the pleasure Sam had given Cas after had been a revelation. They loved Sam just as much as Sam loved them. They just had never realized what they felt was that kind of love. 

Cas remembered Sam’s birthday that they had given him the pictures. How happy Sam had been. How happy Cas was. 

They had built a life in the shadow of agony. And it spoke volumes of how wonderful a man Sam was that he was able to create that for his family. 

Cas stared at him briefly before going to his side. He was too tall for his bed. And his hair was snowy white. It had grown back that way after they had stopped the chemo. Sam had aged rapidly, but he was still so beautiful. 

“Sam,” Cas called softly. Knowing it was probably one of last times they would ever get to on Earth. 

“Cas,” Sam responded weakly. It was still music to Cas’ ears. Just like it always was. Sam made his name into a prayer. Every time. 

“I know our time is short. But I need you to know things before you go.”

Cas sat down on the edge of the bed and put their hand on his chest to feel his weakly beating heart. Sam had held on for eight years from the time Cas had cried listening to it, knowing it would stop. 

Eight years was longer than Sam and Dean had lived in the Bunker. But each of those years felt momentous, where these last eight years had gone all too fast. 

“I’m in love with you, Sam Winchester. I, unlike you, don’t know how long I have been. But it was at least since that day I realized that nothing was worth losing you.”

Sam managed to look at Cas like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But also, smiling. 

“You are the bravest, strongest, most forgiving person I will ever know. And one of the most loving. You have saved me from myself repeatedly. And you forgave me every time I failed. I never had to even ask. I know I took that for granted. I took you for granted for too long.” 

“Then I went into the Empty. I did it to save Dean. To get him back to you and Jack. So you could save the world. And you did. … I had made a deal. To save Jack that time he died and we brought him back with soul magic. If I was happy, the Empty would come get me. So, I made myself happy. Billie was taken out. As was I.” 

“I knew in the Empty, it would play my biggest regrets. And what it showed me was how much I regretted not saying goodbye to you and telling you how much you meant to me.” 

“Then Jack saved me. I had a second chance. Another one. We rebuilt Heaven to be worthy of you and Dean. Then Dean died. And I knew you would be alone. … so I raced to you. To be with you. To show you how I feel. I hope you understood.”

“You made me so happy, Sam. Thank you for raising two children with me. I cherished our life together. I will always love you.” 

Tears were flowing for both of them. As Cas heard the unmistakable roar of Baby coming up the drive. 

Time was up. 

Cas kissed Sam one last time. And made to leave. 

Sam grabbed Cas hand, stopping them. 

“I l-love you, Cas,” he somehow found the strength to say. But it exhausted him, and he quickly let go and fell back to sleep. 

Cas let themselves cry one last time for the precious one last gift Sam had given them. 

And then Cas wiped his tears to give Sam the last gift Cas could give him here. 

Dean was crying as Cas hugged him. He loved his father so much. 

“Mada, what do I say?” 

“Tell him it’s okay. He’s been living in pain for so long now. He never stopped fighting for us. But, it’s time we let him go.” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“I don’t either… but .. it’s time.” 

They held onto each other and cried. 

Then Dean dried his tears and put on his best game face. 

His dad and mada would want him to be strong. 

And his dad deserved it. 

So he walked into the room and saw the man who loomed so large in his life laying there. 

Mada was right. It was time.

He walked to the bed, put his hands on his dad’s, and sat down. 

His dad roused and smiled. 

“Dad, it’s okay. You can go now,” he said lovingly. 

Sam, through the fog of pain and the weakness of dying remembered those words. He remembered the pain of saying them. But he also remembered their meaning. 

So with one last tear and one last breath… he was free. 

——

Dean. 

Sam knew instantly he was in Heaven because Dean was right there. 

Dean’s back was to him, so he hadn’t seen Sam yet. But he knew he felt him. Had felt their souls reconnect. It was a feeling like no other. 

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean greeted before even turning around, but then he did. And Sam couldn’t take his eyes off of him. 

“Dean,” was all he could reply. He had missed his brother so much. 

And though he loved Cas and loved his son Dean, it had been a half life. 

Dean made him whole. 

Dean came closer and they broke into smiles. They had done it. They had gone through so much. And here they were. Happy and together forever. 

The hug was a hug of souls recombining, the sensation left them almost giddy. 

As they hugged, Sam spoke the words he felt like he waited a lifetime to say, “I missed you, Dean. We did it. I love you so much, my big brother.” 

When they stepped away, there was so much more to say. Dean quickly took in his outfit. The one from the day Sam committed to getting back on the road with Dean. It was his happiest memory. And he wanted Dean to know that. He wanted Dean to know about Sam’s son Dean. But a simple motion from Dean reminded him they had all the time in eternity. 

Dean’s arm never left Sam. And it felt so good. He had pictures. But he missed his brother’s touch. 

As they stared into the beautiful view, they were a happy they had never known. 

And they were at peace.


End file.
